Games for couples that build closenessAnd the one rule that keeps them safe
Low-pressure games that help you ask, answer and actually listen, from the 36 questions to a week of noticing small bids.
The Wired Ape
Dinner guests and good news.
What you’re proud of.
Only if you both want it.
Pick games where you take turns and go a little deeper each round.
Agree on ground rules first: either of you can stop, and no answer comes up in a fight.
Closeness grows in small moments, so respond to your partner’s everyday bids.
Good couples games have you take turns and go a little deeper each round. No points, no winners. Agree on the rules first: either of you can pass or stop, and nothing said in a game shows up in a later argument.
Long relationships drift into logistics. Who’s picking up groceries, whose turn it is to call the plumber, what time the flight leaves. None of that is a problem. But after a few months of it, a lot of couples realize they haven’t asked each other a real question in weeks.
Good games for couples fix that in a low-pressure way. A game gives you permission to ask things you’d feel strange asking over dinner, and a structure that makes it safe to answer. The ones below are tasteful and non-explicit, and they rest on one rule above all others. Both of you opt in, and either of you can stop at any moment.
What are good games for couples who want to feel closer?
The best ones have you take turns sharing something a little more personal each round, and listening well when it’s your partner’s turn. That’s it. No points, no winners.
The most famous version comes from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues, often called the “36 questions.” Pairs took turns asking and answering questions that grew more personal over about 45 minutes. UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center explains why it works. Both people reveal more at a similar pace, so the sharing feels mutual instead of one-sided, and a supportive response from the other person builds closeness.
How to talk to difficult family membersThat’s the pattern to look for in any game you pick. Take turns, and go a little deeper each round.
How do you play the 36 questions game?
Set aside about 45 minutes and split it into three blocks. Take turns asking and answering, and move on to the next set when the time block ends, even if you haven’t finished.
The questions start easy and go deeper. A few, word for word from the Greater Good version:
Three sets. Each one goes deeper.
Hover or tap a ring.
“Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”
Questions quoted word for word from the Greater Good Science Center’s version of the 1997 Aron study.
Each of you answers every question, and you switch who goes first. That alternating matters more than it looks. It keeps one person from becoming the interviewer.
What ground rules keep couples games comfortable?
Agree on the rules before the first question. Both partners opt in, either can stop anytime with no explanation, and nothing said in the game gets used in a later argument.
Setting boundaries with parents as an adultHere are the rules I’d write on a card and keep on the table:
- 05Either of us can pass on any question. No reason needed.
- 04Either of us can end the game at any point. Saying “I’m done for tonight” is enough.
- 03What we share stays between us.
- 02We don’t bring a game answer into a fight. Ever.
- 01We keep it kind. If something stings, we say so gently and stop.
Rule four is the one couples forget. If your partner admits they were jealous of your best friend in college, and you throw it back at them three weeks later, you’ve taught them that honesty is expensive. They won’t play again. Neither would I.
Which games build closeness without feeling too intense?
Start with games about good news and gratitude. They build warmth quickly and rarely go anywhere painful.
Tell me something good. Each of you shares one good thing from your week, big or small. The listener’s only job is to be interested. Ask a follow-up. Be glad out loud. This one has research behind it. A 2006 study of 79 dating couples by Shelly Gable and colleagues found that how partners responded to each other’s good news predicted relationship well-being two months later, and more strongly than how they responded to bad news.
Good news weighs more
Shelly Gable and colleagues, 2006
The thank-you I owe. Each of you names one thing the other did recently that you never properly thanked them for. Be specific. “Thank you for handling my mom’s call last Tuesday when I couldn’t face it” lands harder than “thanks for everything.”
Who knows me. One of you writes down answers to five questions about yourself. Favorite childhood meal, biggest fear at age ten, first concert, the song you’d want at your funeral. The other guesses. You’ll be surprised what you get wrong after years together.
Two true, one tall tale. Each of you tells three short stories from your life before you met. Two are true. One is invented. The other guesses which. It’s light, it’s funny, and you’ll hear stories you somehow never heard.
How do you build intimacy with games and keep it low-pressure?
Go slowly, and treat every small moment of attention as part of the game. Intimacy builds from many small responses, not one big night.
Gottman’s research on newlyweds is a good reminder here. Couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other’s bids for attention 86% of the time. Couples who divorced averaged 33%. A bid can be as small as “Look at this bird.” Turning toward it means looking at the bird.
How often bids got turned toward
“Look at this bird.” Turning toward it means looking at the bird.
Each dot is one bid out of 100.
So a “game” can be quiet. Try this one for a week. Every time your partner makes a small bid, a comment, a sigh, a joke, you respond to it on purpose. Don’t tell them you’re doing it. Notice what happens to the mood at home.
If you both want something more structured, Kithmark has a game called Closer by turns that you play together when you’re both on the app. The ground rules above still apply.
A space for just the two of you
Kithmark’s shared spaces are for you and one other person, working things out through games instead of arguments. You can start from “I want to be closer to someone.” Closer by turns is one of the games you play there together.
Real screens from the Kithmark iPhone beta. Free in the iPhone beta. Android coming soon.
What if one partner doesn’t want to play?
Then you don’t play. Pressure kills the whole point. Offer a lighter version, or try again another week.
Some people find question games exposing, especially if they grew up in families where feelings weren’t discussed. That’s not a sign something is wrong with the relationship. Start with Tell me something good, which asks for nothing heavy. Or play during a walk or a long drive, when you’re side by side instead of face to face. Many people talk more easily that way.
It also helps to ask what would make it easier. Some partners want to see the questions in advance. Some prefer writing answers down instead of saying them out loud. Some want a cap of ten minutes. Each of those is a fair request, and agreeing to it shows you care more about your partner than about the game.
And if a game ever surfaces something painful, stop. Put the cards down. Say, “Thank you for telling me. Do you want to talk about it now, or later?” Then follow their lead.
“Thank you for telling me. Do you want to talk about it now, or later?”what to say when a game hits a nerve
If you have kids and want to bring the whole household in, I wrote a guide to communication games for families. And if a game night ever turns into a real argument, the steps in how to repair a friendship after a fight work for partners too.
How Kithmark helps
Kithmark has games for two people, like Closer by turns, Tell me something good and Who knows me, that you play together when you’re both on the app. Your record is encrypted on your phone.
Sources
“36 Questions for Increasing Closeness.” Greater Good in Action, Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley, n.d. Based on Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., and Bator, R. J., “The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 23(4), 363-377, 1997.
“Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures.” Shelly L. Gable, Gian C. Gonzaga, Amy Strachman. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 91(5), 904-917, 2006.
“Turn Towards Instead of Away.” Zach Brittle, The Gottman Institute, 2015.
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