International Men’s Day: the friendship numbers no one talks aboutAnd the call to make this week

Men’s Day often gets a joke and a shrug. Its founder meant it as a day for good role models and better relationships, and one relationship in particular has been slipping.

International Men’s Day as most people know it began in Trinidad and Tobago on November 19, 1999. Jerome Teelucksingh, a history lecturer at the University of the West Indies, revived an earlier, short-lived idea and picked the date for his father’s birthday. It also marked the day in 1989 when Trinidad and Tobago’s football team united the country with its run at World Cup qualification. Malta, the last country still using an earlier February date, moved to November 19 in 2009.

The day’s stated aims include positive role models, better relations between men and women, and celebrating what men give to their families and communities.

In 2021, the Survey Center on American Life asked Americans about their close friends and compared the answers with similar 1990 data. The share of men with six or more close friends fell by half, from 55 percent to 27 percent. The share with no close friends rose fivefold, from 3 percent to 15 percent.

The survey linked the drop to later marriage, moving more often, longer working hours, and lower involvement in religious and community groups. Men were also less likely than women to say they had shared personal feelings with a friend recently.

International Men’s Day has no fixed ritual. People mark it in small ways:

• Naming a good man out loud. Teelucksingh built the day around his own father. Families can do the same by telling a father, grandfather, uncle or mentor what he taught them.

• The standing game. Much of men’s friendship is built around doing things together, like the dominoes tables in Trinidad, the weekend cricket match, or the Sunday chess game. Keeping one going is a tradition in itself.

• Bringing someone back in. Inviting a friend who’s drifted to the game, the meal or the walk.

Call one friend you haven’t spoken to in over a year. Call, don’t text.

1. Pick one name. Don’t overthink it.

2. Open simply: “You came to mind today. How are you, really?”

3. Before you hang up, set one concrete plan, like a game, a meal or a walk, with a date.

Most friendships don’t end. They drift. A call on November 19 is a small way to stop the drift.

Inside Kithmark

Everyone in your circle

Each person gets their own page. The People map shows where everyone in your circle is, with their local time, so the friend who moved away is still on the map.

Real screens from the Kithmark iPhone beta. Free in the iPhone beta. Android coming soon.

Inside Ritual OS

A standing ritual, with your people

Ritual OS matches you with short practices from the world’s traditions, each with a beginning and an end. You can do them alone or with other people, and they adapt week by week.

Real screens from the Ritual OS iPhone beta.

How our apps help

Kithmark is a private record for the friendships that matter to you, in plain words, never scores, and encrypted on your phone. When you’re both on the app, games like Who knows me and Tell me something good give you an easy way back in. Ritual OS matches you with short practices from the world’s traditions that you can keep with other people.