Stepping back from family: when and how to do it safelyAnd how to keep yourself safe while you do it

Stepping back from family is one of the hardest decisions a person can make, and one of the most judged. People who’ve never had to do it often assume it was done in anger, or on a whim. Usually it was neither. It came after years of trying.

This guide doesn’t tell you to cut anyone off. It also doesn’t tell you to stay in a relationship that’s hurting you. It’s meant to help you think the decision through and stay safe while you act on it.

If you’re in danger right now, start with the next section.

If someone in your family is threatening you or making you afraid, get help today. You don’t need to have a plan or a reason ready. Reaching out is enough.

• In the US: call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. For abuse at home, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.

• In India: call Tele-MANAS at 14416 (or 1-800-891-4416), the government’s mental health helpline.

• Anywhere: call your local emergency number.

Tell a trusted person what’s happening, too. A friend, a teacher, a doctor, a neighbor. You don’t owe the person who’s hurting you an explanation or a warning before you leave.

Everything below is for situations where you’re safe and deciding what kind of relationship you want.

Sometimes, yes. Distance can protect your mental health when every other approach has failed. It shouldn’t be the first thing you try, and it shouldn’t be done lightly.

It’s also far more common than people admit. A national survey led by Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer found that 27% of American adults had cut off contact with a family member. Pillemer has said that people “should not be made to feel guilty or ashamed” when excluding a family member protects their mental health.

He has also been honest about the costs. A rift between siblings can end the relationship between their children and their cousins, too. He calls it collateral damage, and he urges people to think about it before a break. Both things are true. Distance can be right. Distance also has a price.

READ NEXT ↘Setting boundaries with parents as an adult

READ NEXT ↘Setting boundaries with parents as an adult

READ NEXT ↘Setting boundaries with parents as an adult

Low contact means keeping a limited, controlled relationship. Estrangement usually means no contact, or as little as possible. Most people end up somewhere on a range between the two.

Communication researcher Kristina Scharp and her colleagues describe estrangement as a continuum. People can be more or less estranged, rather than simply estranged or not. Psychologist Lucy Blake, quoted by the American Psychological Association, adds that estrangement is often “something people move in and out of.”

That’s useful to know, because it means you have more options than “everything” or “nothing.” Low contact can look like this:

• Seeing them only at family events, never one on one.

• Phone calls once a month, kept short.

• Messages only, no visits.

• Contact only about practical matters, like an aging parent’s care.

Get clear on what you can and can’t accept, and on what you’ve already tried. Then decide on the smallest change that protects you.

Pillemer suggests spending time on “the least you can accept in the relationship.” Here’s a short exercise built on that idea. Answer each question in writing, honestly.

1. What specifically keeps happening? Name the behavior, not the person’s character.

2. What have I already tried, and what happened each time?

3. What’s the least I’d need to feel okay around them?

4. Is less contact enough, or do I need none?

5. If they changed tomorrow, would I want them back in my life?

If your answer to the last question is yes, low contact may serve you better than a full break. It protects you now and leaves a door open.

Keep it short and about your own decision. You don’t need to win an argument about the past, and you don’t need their agreement.

This applies only when it’s safe to tell them. If it isn’t, skip this step. Plan your distance with a trusted person or an advocate instead.

Script for low contact:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship. I need some distance for a while. I’m not going to visit for the next few months, and I’ll be in touch by message. This is about what I need right now.”

Script for a full break:

“I’ve decided to stop contact for now. I’m not going to discuss the reasons again. If something changes for me, I’ll reach out.”

Then stop. Don’t reply to every pushback message. You can mute a thread without blocking it, if you want to keep the option of reading later.

Kithmark has a practice topic called Asking for space, where you can practice the words before you say them. The sentence rarely comes out steady on the first try.

Expect grief, even if you know you made the right call. Get support from people who understand.

The American Psychological Association notes that support groups can reduce feelings of isolation and shame for people living with estrangement, and that therapy can help with both its causes and its effects. If you want a professional to talk it through with, look for someone who understands estrangement and won’t push you to reconcile before you’re ready.

Holidays will be hard. Birthdays will be hard. Plan for them ahead of time, with friends or with a new tradition that’s yours.

One small exercise for the weeks before a big family date. Write down where you’ll be, who you’ll be with, and one thing you’ll do just for yourself that day. Tell a friend your plan. When relatives ask why you aren’t coming, you can say, “I’ve made other plans this year,” and leave it there. You don’t need to explain your decision to everyone who asks. A short, kind answer that you’ve practiced in advance is enough, and it protects you from having the same painful conversation ten times over.

Yes, if you want to and it’s safe. Distance doesn’t have to be permanent.

Pillemer’s team interviewed people who had reconciled after estrangement. What many of them had done:

• Let go of needing an apology or full agreement about the past.

• Came back into the relationship with clear limits.

• Accepted the other person as they were.

Reconnecting is never something you owe anyone, though. If the person was abusive, reconciliation is not the goal, and nobody should pressure you toward it.

If you’re earlier in this process and still hoping to talk things through, my guides on how to talk to difficult family members and setting boundaries with parents as an adult are a better place to start.

Inside Kithmark

One page per person

Each person gets their own page, like “Mum.” The People map shows where everyone in your circle is, with their local times.

Real screens from the Kithmark iPhone beta. Free in the iPhone beta. Android coming soon.

How Kithmark helps

Kithmark is a private record where you can keep track of a hard family relationship in plain words, and practice Asking for space before you say it. Your record is encrypted on your phone. Kithkeepers (family therapists, coaches and mediators) are joining. Kithmark isn’t therapy or a crisis service, so if you’re in danger, use the numbers above first.