Your relationship circles: what the Kithmark mark meansAnd why closeness looks like distance
You sit at the center. Family, friends, work and the people you follow move around you, closer or farther as life happens.
The Wired Ape
Ties you didn’t choose.
Ties you chose, and keep choosing.
Ties tied to a role or a place.
You know them. They don’t know you.
The red dot is you. The orbits are kinds of relationships, and the dots are the people in them.
Research finds most people keep about 5 very close ties, inside wider layers of about 15, 50 and 150.
People move between orbits over a lifetime, so the map is worth redrawing now and then.
The red dot in the Kithmark mark is you. The orbits around it are the kinds of relationships you have: family, friends, work and community, and the people you follow. Researchers draw closeness the same way: you in the middle, closeness shown as distance.
Everyone carries a map of people in their head. A few sit right next to you. Some you see at weddings. Some you have never met, but you hear their voice every morning on a podcast.
When we designed the Kithmark mark, we drew that map. This piece explains what each part means, and why researchers who study closeness draw relationships the same way.
What does the Kithmark logo mean?
The red dot in the middle is you. The orbits around it are the kinds of relationships you have. The smaller dots are the people in them.
The dot is deep red because blood is thicker than water. But the mark isn’t only about family. Friends, the people you work and live alongside, and the people you follow all sit in orbit too.
Look closely and you’ll see the dots aren’t evenly spaced. That’s on purpose. Life doesn’t keep people at tidy distances. Someone drifts out after a move. Someone else comes closer after a hard year. The mark moves every time you open the app, because your map never stands still either.
Four orbits, one center
Hover or tap an orbit. The dots sit at uneven places, as life happens.
- FamilyTies you didn’t choose and can’t fully leave.
- FriendsTies you chose, and have to keep choosing.
- Work and communityTies tied to a role or a place.
- People you followOne-way ties: you know them, they don’t know you.
A sketch of the idea behind the mark, not the logo itself. The order of the orbits here is ours.
Why draw relationships as orbits?
Because that is how researchers draw them. In 1980, psychologists Robert Kahn and Toni Antonucci described each person as moving through life inside a “convoy” of people who travel with them. To measure it, Antonucci’s method asks people to write their names in three circles around the word “YOU.”
The inner circle is for people you feel so close to that it is hard to imagine life without them. The middle circle is for people who still matter a lot. The outer circle is for people who are part of your life but less close. Researchers have used those circles with people of many ages and backgrounds.
The Kithmark mark follows the same idea. You in the middle, closeness shown as distance.
How to talk to difficult family membersHow many people fit in each circle?
Fewer than you might think. Robin Dunbar and colleagues found that people tend to keep their relationships in layers of about 5, 15, 50 and 150. The 5 are the people you would call in a crisis. The 150 are roughly everyone you know as a person, not just a name.
These are averages, not targets. Some people have three in their inner circle, some have eight. What holds up is the shape. A small, close core, then wider and looser rings around it.
Layers of about 5, 15, 50 and 150
Circle areas drawn to scale.
These are averages, not targets. Some people have three in their inner circle, some have eight.
That shape matters for something practical. Your time is limited, and the inner ring takes most of it. When a relationship in the inner ring goes wrong, it is felt everywhere else.
What are the four orbits in Kithmark?
Family. Parents, siblings, children, in-laws, cousins. Ties you didn’t choose and can’t fully leave.
Friends. Old friends, new friends, the friend you fell out with. Ties you chose, and have to keep choosing.
Work and community. Colleagues, neighbors, your child’s teacher, your landlord, your housing society. Ties tied to a role or a place.
People you follow. Podcast hosts, writers, public figures. One-way ties: you know them, they don’t know you.
The last orbit surprises people, but it is real. In 1956, sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl named it “parasocial interaction”: the feeling of a friendship with someone on radio or television who never knows you exist. They called it “intimacy at a distance.”
“Intimacy at a distance.”Donald Horton and Richard Wohl, 1956
Those ties can comfort you and shape how you think. They just don’t talk back. So Kithmark keeps them on your map, and doesn’t treat them like two-way relationships.
Do people move between orbits?
Yes, all the time. A coworker becomes a close friend. A sibling drifts after a fight. An in-law who felt like a stranger becomes the person you call first. The convoy researchers built their model around that movement. The circles stay, but the people in them change as you change jobs, move, marry, have children and grow older.
Same circles, different people
- A coworker: becomes a close friend.
- A sibling: drifts after a fight.
- An in-law: becomes the person you call first.
The examples from the paragraph above, drawn on the three convoy circles.
That’s why the dots in the mark sit at uneven places, as life happens. A map you drew five years ago is probably out of date.
How do you draw your own relationship map?
Take ten minutes and a sheet of paper.
Write YOU in the middle and draw three circles around it.
In the inner circle, write the people you can hardly imagine life without.
In the middle circle, write the people who matter but aren’t that close.
In the outer circle, write the rest who are part of your life now.
Look at it and notice two things: someone who is farther away than you’d like, and someone who is closer than is good for you.
Pick one person to move one circle closer this month, with one small step: a message, a call, a game night.
If the person you want closer is someone you fell out with, my guide on how to repair a friendship after a fight is a good place to start. If it is a relative you keep clashing with, read how to talk to difficult family members. And if your inner circle is a partner, try one of the games for couples that build closeness.
Your map, in your pocket
Each person gets their own page, like “Mum.” The People map shows where everyone in your circle is, with their local time.
Real screens from the Kithmark iPhone beta. Free in the iPhone beta. Android coming soon.
How Kithmark helps
Kithmark is built around this map: you at the center, the people in your life around you. It is a private record of how things stand with them, in plain words, never scores. Your record is encrypted on your phone. You can practice a hard talk before you have it, and play games together when you’re both on the app. Kithkeepers (family therapists, coaches and mediators) are joining.
Sources
“Discrete hierarchical organization of social group sizes.” W.-X. Zhou, D. Sornette, R. A. Hill, R. I. M. Dunbar. Proceedings of the Royal Society B 272(1561), 439–444, 2005.
“The convoy model: Explaining social relations from a multidisciplinary perspective.” T. C. Antonucci, K. J. Ajrouch, K. S. Birditt. The Gerontologist 54(1), 82–92, 2014.
“Convoys over the life course: Attachment, roles, and social support.” R. L. Kahn, T. C. Antonucci. In Life-Span Development and Behavior, vol. 3, 253–286. Academic Press, 1980.
“Hierarchical Mapping Technique.” Measuring Mobility toolkit, SPARQ, Stanford University.
“Mass communication and para-social interaction: Observations on intimacy at a distance.” D. Horton, R. R. Wohl. Psychiatry 19(3), 215–229, 1956.
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